Guess what? The way forward isn’t always a straight line
What I’ve learnt so far in the messy middle between one thing and the next
Photo by Matt Howard on Unsplash
It’s been 8 months since I left my job without another one to go to, nor any idea of what to do next. Originally I had given myself a 6 month break, thinking that sounded like a pretty long time and certainly 6 months in full time work can feel so much longer. By this point in what I’m calling my middle aged gap year I thought I would be happily into the first month of a new venture, well rested with a strong sense of direction, having uncovered my values, my passions and found the holy grail of the perfect next career at the intersection of where these two meet. Nope, that’s not how it happened, well for me at least.
I virtually walked out the door last July relieved and ready for a rest. The preceding year had been one of the toughest I’d experienced in my 16 year career and I wasn’t the same person I was when I walked into that job. I had plans, ones that didn’t involve thinking, being beholden to someone else’s agenda, expectations or schedule. But as I've said before I’m not good at resting, I feel like I’m wasting time when I’m sitting still not doing anything and crave the high of productivity and praise of a job well done. I kinda get the feeling like I’m being taught to unlearn that one but breaking the habit of a lifetime is tough.
Even though I have nowhere I have to be, I still wake up between 6.30 and 7.30 every morning without fail. Monday to Friday I’m on Zoom at 8am with 250 other writers from around the globe, some published authors, playwrights, journalists and some starting out just like me, spending an hour in quiet company writing whatever. I rediscovered my love of writing late last year which has opened up a whole new world for me. It has been 20 years since I had really written for pleasure. I’ve grown things, ticked off a series of home reno projects, the bathroom, the kitchen, fixing this and that. Beautifying our space and repairing what’s broken, in exchange confidence and a feeling of achievement as I stand in the doorway admiring the intricate pattern of the stencilled tiles that took me a week to paint. I’ve done a lot but still have no idea what to do next.
Previously, achievement would have ranked high on my list of core values but I’ve been trying to dig deeper. I've done some ‘values’ work and whilst what you value in life can change depending on where you are in life and what’s going on I was surprisingly not surprised at my top 3. Health and wellbeing was number 1 across what I want for myself, for others and the wider world. Number 2 was knowledge and trust and the 3rd was beauty and creativity. This exercise was really good at uncovering what is most important to me right now in his moment vs what I think other people think I should value. A more trustworthy barometer by which to measure any futures decisions.
While I’m making some progress, the trap I have fallen into time and time again over the past 8 months is that of comparison. The socials are alive with stories of people who quit their jobs and within 6 months had discovered a passion and developed it into a thriving business. Or those who turned a tough time into an inspiring idea to help others. The pressure to do something impressive, make change and transform your life not to mention other peoples is immense. Don’t get me wrong I find those stories inspiring but at the same time the pressure to figure it all out and do it quickly is overwhelming.
The way forward hasn’t been straight with the destination looming in the distance; it's more like a winding road with lots of blind corners. I haven’t found the answer or the destination yet, but as each new opportunity presents itself I'm trying to embrace it without piling on the pressure. I’ll keep getting up between 6.30-7.30 every morning in the hope that one day soon (or not, whatever) I’ll figure it all out (or not, no pressure).
What I’ve learnt so far…
You can’t put a time limit on things, sometimes you just have to go with it if you can
For the love of god don’t compare yourself to others. Experiences are different, circumstances are different, people are different
Spend time really finding out what you really think vs what you think other people think you should think, make sense?
Things I’m curious about this week…
This week I’m reading The Squiggly Career by Helen Tupper and Sarah Ellis. I’ve been lucky enough to listen to Helen Tupper speak on many occasions about the alternative to climbing the ladder and felt, well, relieved there was a different option besides the relentless struggle to the top.
I’ve been listening to the audiobook of Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’m so pleased I’m experiencing this one as an audiobook, the way Elizabeth reads her words is magic in itself. The book is about creative living beyond fear and with each chapter I feel the weight of expectation and pressure melting away.