Motherhood was never my calling

I chose the path less travelled and it wasn’t always easy

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

To those mothers who are celebrating and being celebrated today, those who think they might want to be mothers someday, those who want to be mothers who can’t and those who have difficult relationships with their mothers. This day is a minefield of emotion. I have been on many sides of this. I’ve not wanted children then maybe wanted them, then not again and I’ve had a difficult relationship with my own mother. Whatever path you find yourself on it is never easy.

This week we celebrated international woman’s day. Celebrating women across the world for our achievements and for our choices. (Side note my current place of work did not acknowledge IWD at all. Unsurprising given the toilet seats are frequently left up!) This year’s theme is ‘inspire inclusion’ which I think highlights the importance of accepting and celebrating the diverse paths women take in life. We are not just women because we are a mothers. Our lives take shape in a myriad of unique ways.

Inclusion is defined as ‘the act of including someone or something as part of a group, list, etc., or a person or thing that is included’

Up until the age of 35 I had never wanted children. My earliest memory on the subject was a conversation with my mother. I can’t quite recall how old I was but I must have been maybe 7 or 8. I remember boldly proclaiming that I wasn’t going to have children I was going to have a puppy and a kitten instead. How did I know my own mind better at 7 or 8 than I did at 35?

What was different for a child of 7 or 8 in the 80s vs a 35 year old in the 2010s? Years of societal expectations and the repeated narrative of a woman’s role and what it means to be a woman, that’s what. When I got to 35 the road seemed to split into 2 options. You either choose motherhood or to go all in on your career. I could only see these two options played out before me in the women I saw in the world.

These roads were paved and well trodden but I found myself questioning both. I had followed the traditional career path of climbing the ladder but it never felt quite right. I was always heading somewhere society told me I should be, rather than where I really wanted to be. So at 35 I questioned my decision not to have children.

I had a loving partner and a house, society told me the next thing was marriage and children, and so I considered the possibility. We got married in 2018 but the summer of 2020 during the pandemic our neighbours had a child. The relentless crying gave us a sobering glimpse into what it would be like and we knew it wasn’t for us.

So after some searching I found another path, although this one was less clear. There was no paving and the trees needed cutting back but there was one. I could choose neither. I could make a life that was choosing neither of these things. But it’s not easy. Community is difficult to find and I often envy mothers for that (although I’ve come to learn that community isn’t a given even if you are a mother) Choosing to marry and seeing others begin to have children but not seeing anyone choosing a different path was tough.

There wasn’t one reason why I didn’t want them I just didn’t. I just didn’t feel the urge. I love my time alone, pursuing passions or just being quiet. A child would not allow me to live that way. But the choice is a lonely one. There is sometimes the feeling of not being included in society.

Since my late 30s I have found myself seeking out childfree stories and role models. Up until my mid 30s childfree was never a choice it just was. I rarely saw a story of older women without children that weren’t depicted as sad and lonely. So that is what I want to give, a perspective of a different choice, a different path.

It took me suffering burnout and coming back to myself and how I really want to live my life to return to that certainty. 7 or 8 year old me knew me better than I did at 35, she knew with a certainty beyond her years she wanted to choose not to have children. I can’t help but wonder what else she was right about?

I’m curious to know what you think. Let’s chat in the comments.

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