A stranger made me cry

When she told me the exact thing I didn’t know I needed to hear

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

I was at an event a few weeks ago where a stranger made me cry. Not in a bad way, with an unkind word or lightly veiled insult. But by telling me something I didn’t know I needed to hear until the tears came.

We all know that we should be our own cheerleader, back ourselves and celebrate our successes. We shouldn’t need outside validation. But I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear it from someone else until the women at the coaching stand in the Business Design Centre in Angel, east London looked me in the eye and told me, ‘You’re doing great’.

That need for outside validation is so deep-rooted we don’t even know it’s there; until a few words have us dissolving into a puddle on the floor. When she said those words, a tension I’d been unknowingly holding onto was broken, and I felt free.

Maybe it’s because my values are so at odds with what society expects. And this very realisation, which I’m calling my great awakening, is my era of questioning everything and is the very premise of this newsletter. I know inside that following my values is the key to my happiness, but years of conditioning has made me feel that anything outside of the norm of traditional success and material things is somehow not valid.

I’ve been reading Emma Gannons new book, The Success Myth this week. And I have seen so much of my journey with redefining my version of success reflected. In the book, Emma Gannon talks about being a contrarian. When I read the definition I felt relieved, I wasn’t simply a trouble causer, I was someone who was quite rightly challenging the status quo.

Contranarian

A person who opposes or rejects popular opinion

Last week I slipped back into corporate life for a contract. I was apprehensive about going back into the world that so deeply damaged me, but one conversation reminded me of how far I’d come.

I caught up with an old work colleague who was curious about my journey over the past few years. As I sat there answering her questions, I began to realise how far I’d come. Everything I’d learnt along the way and the wisdom I now possessed. It was only in saying it all out loud that I realised I was different, changed and much stronger than before.

But I want to be able to do that for myself. I want to stop giving myself such a hard time. If a woman who knows nothing about me can express that with such conviction and truth, why can’t I do that for myself?

Here are a few things I’m going to put into practice. I’m sharing them because maybe they might just help you too.

• Practise self-love – Remind yourself ‘I am enough’ treat yourself with kindness and understanding, nurture the relationships with yourself

• Look at your progress – Reflecting back on how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown before you jump into the next thing

• Accept feelings without judgement – Don’t beat yourself up for feeling a certain way, go with it

• Use your values as a guide – When a new opportunity comes your way, stop and think, does it align with your values. Am I just accepting this for outside validation or is it linked to my values?

• Look at your strengths once in a while -Remember what makes you, you. What are you brilliant at?

• Reframe negative thoughts – I love the word yet. I haven’t figured that out yet. That hasn’t happened yet.

Stopping to check in with myself, giving myself a little pat on the back for progress will mean the next time someone tells me ‘you’re doing great’ I can simply say thank you. Because I’ll already know.