Where I’ve been and where I’m going

A crisis of confidence and what’s next

One of the beautiful show gardens from The Chelsea Flower Show 2022

Welcome to new subscribers and thank you to existing subscribers for sticking around. I started Curiouser and Curiouser back in 2022 after rediscovering my love of writing and going through an intense period of questioning everything I had thought to be true about the world and my place in it. I hope you will continue to join me as we figure this all out together. And if you’ve found yourself here for the first time I have a feeling you’re questioning things too, if so you’re in the right place. You can find all my previous posts here and you can subscribe below to never miss a post.

It has been months since I’ve published here. I’ve still been writing but something has stopped me putting the words out into the world. Each idea felt not quite good enough, each piece not well written enough, it was all just not enough and before I knew it months had slipped past. I needed to realise I am enough.

Most of my adult life I had prioritised a job over myself and the things I loved, delivering what other people wanted from me but leaving nothing for myself. I had forgotten the importance of nourishing myself through the simple pleasures and just enjoying life. Slowly I had moved so far away from myself that something big needed to happen to let me find my way back.

In 2020 I suffered a colossal burnout, which you can read about in my post The Truth About Workplace Burnout. Slowly I pieced myself back together an in late 2021 I started writing again inspired by The Winter Writing Sanctuary run so generously by the writer and author

Beth Kempton

and by Early February 2022 inspired by

Farrah @Substack

I gathered the courage to launch my Substack and so began Curiouser and Curiouser.

Back then, in the early days, there were a few well known writers on the platform but many of us were amateurs finding our voice and trying publishing on for size. I loved creating my Substack, it reminded me of the joy I had found in writing as a child. An online version of the magazines I had made growing up, the stapled together pages full of articles and book reviews. As UK Substack grew, the writers I loved and admired joined in droves. Soon I could read their words weekly and suddenly I began to doubt my own.

I fell into the comparison trap and suffered a crisis of confidence combined with perfectionism and I froze. I had started 2023 strong, my words of the year courage and connection. I didn’t let fear get in my way, I tried not to worry about the outcome safe in the knowledge that if it didn’t work out I would just pivot. It was time to reconnect with the world, with people and with nature. I took a new job, I grew things in the garden but as time went on I looked sideways and instead of focusing on my own lane I started to compare myself.

But as Christmas gave way to the cold depts of January it was time for a reset. January is a wonderful time for reflection and setting new intentions and I decided that if 2023 was about courage and connection then 2024 is about confidence and creativity. I’m not leaving behind courage and connection I’m adding to them. Now is the time to create more and worry less. It’s time for adventure both on the page and off.

So now I’ve found my way back to you. I want to thank you. You’ve believed in me when I didn’t quite believe in myself. Writing these words does as much for me as I hope it does for you reading them and so Curiouser and Curiouser will remain free.

Over the course of last year there was so much advice and direction on going paid but it never quite felt right for me and I know it has been a point of thoughtful contemplation for many others too. The pressure to go paid removed some of the joy for me and veered away from the purpose of this newsletter. To share all the things I’ve come to question in the hope that it might give someone the permission to question them too.

So this year you can expect the same curiosity that brought you here, but more of it, starting with a round up of some of the things that have kept me curious these past months. All the books, the articles, the podcasts and TV this Sunday.

I’ll see you then.

It’s been a while so I have so many posts waiting to be written but I would love to know. What’s something you’ve been questioning lately? Perhaps we could make sense of it together?